Even lovers get dumbstruck.

I've lost my touch ... forever gone.
So much to say but never nothing to write down.
My thoughts scattered, Uncollected.
I write a stanza, Its all out of line.
I'm broken forever in need of help
But all that's left I give, carelessly.
Below the tough stature..
I am weak, hurt, naive, and stubborn.
Not many can tell..
but hopes been evaporated from the body.

Play it smart, Help everyone...
Have no concern for yourself!!
What horrible idea that brings nothing but pain.
So much hurt and negativity down the road a
And yet i stroll on.
I'm everywhere,
Here and there,
And nothing quite right in my head.
I have no Rhymes, no rules or Guidelines.
I just walk my way down a freely written free verse.
That's clever,
It's tricky, and hard to believe
that a girl who perceives to be so happy,
Is really hurt beyond belief.

In the eyes of a lover there's nothing but greatness
But even lovers get dumbstruck
And becomes prone to the truth.

Tarah story (:

Once upon a time there was a.....frog? YEA. it was a frog.

It was a purple frog....with yellow spots :D

The frogs name was.........Gayle.

All the other frogs were jelly 'cause Gayle was uniquely pretty xD
and Gayle had a lover, his name was Edward

Uhm...Gayles worst enemy was a evil cat...named Billiam Bobart

Billiam thought Edward should die so he could steal Gayle
So, to get his way.....Billiam trricked Edward into going for a "walk"
Billiam planned to gobble Edward up before the night was over
Little did Billiam know, Gayle knew of this evil plan
and just as Billiam went to swallow Edward, Gayle screams "swiper no swiping"
Though it meant nothing, it distracted Billiam from his task and Edward went NINJA frog and killed Billiam
And Gayle and Edward lived happily ever after with three kids, Shay, Dee, and Skeeter xD


Moral of the story: Frogs are badass and in the end love conquers ALL

Disastrous

It could be bad,
Feelings this strong only stay for so long.
I've never been here.
It's the highest I've ever been
And I'm hanging in your arms
With belief you won't let me fall.
The fall is horrendous,
Surely it brings nothing less than death.
You swear this is your last time.
Your words so welcoming and believable.
I trust you, never been so sure;
But boy are we high.
This is dangerous!!
One slip is all it takes
And I F
          A
             L
               L
To a bottomless pit.

There's fear on the horizon,
It stretches from my heart to yours.
I believe it can last
And only fear brings me to question so;
But you know something
My love surpasses this pest called fear.

I'm screwed and crazy
I have problems
And if you can love me for my faults
And the possible insanity to come,
Then us...
Together..
Should be able to take on any army,
And come out on top, as Victors;
And still be able to look at each other
And say 'I love you' with true feeling,
Through bad and good,
In any state of mind.

If not together,
I fall to impending doom.
So baby tell me are you ready?
Do you believe?
In some Parallel Universe we were meant to be
My only hope is that it is this one...
Because this could be Disastrous.
- Jazmine x3

I'll just have to live with no backbone.

I was once told that when you give all you have for never nothing in return, that things play out for the better... Seems it never worked but still I tried.. help and help and help, give here, save someone there, let everyone have their way.... yup that's me.. For it is now who I am, its been my whole entire life. Trust, that's not a bad thing but nothing ever seems to get better worse and worse it falls upon me like the heavy beating on a drum head.... Searching for answers, now I'm told different, "If you want something being nice and giving others what someone else wants NEVER gets you anywhere, sometimes when you want something you have grow a backbone and tell them what you want. Sometimes it's good to be selfish."

I wish I had a backbone and possessed some characteristic to even be selfish. But you know its not about myself so hell why not. Hurting myself has been written down many times, I don't see why I should stop now. After all it's all about everyone else(:
 - Jazmine x3
~Old~ 5/7/11 ~Old~
*Thinking out loud it seems*

Abort this mission.

Slowly making my way back to that door.
I shouldn't have came this far in the room anyways.
Why did i come this far, what made me think staying in this room could make a difference. 
I get sicker and sicker ever day in this weather, 
its time for me to migrate. 
Slowly edge on back. :/ 
I see nothing but bright lights...
and I don't do well in bright lights. 
It Gives me headaches, 
countless headaches, 
till i cant take it no more, it begins to rain on me.
It's beauty in its worse. 
The river is filling up, 
I soon begin to drown. 
A death by water, for me most peaceful. 




- Jazmine x3 
~Old~ 7/6/11 ~Old~ 

Houdini had it lucky

Days like this I can't seem to figure shit out,

I've been down then up now I'm back again. 

Reappearing act, damn call me Houdini. 

Two years. You have great memory, you always did. 

Two years.  I have been feeling this way for you. 

And yet Two years pass and it's barely changing. 

Two years pass and I'm still in the friend zone. 

Shit, if I'm Houdini can I make you disappear? 

How about her too? 

Better yet, I could do some hocus pocus trick 

And make it all turn better. 

Make it so the game is mine,  

Things go my way, none of this confusion

And sadness, none of that.
Never that.
Sad thing is, I'm not Houdini.
I cant make things go my way,
I will never win, because he has his love
And even if they broke off and went their ways
How can i possibly believe that he would love me
Like I do him.
I have nothing to go on but a feeling
And a love that is powerful
I long to be his everything but
I'm just a girl in love with no lover.
- Jazmine<3
~Old~ 11/16/10 ~Old~

Clocks and screws.

*I'm standing in your light again.

Without a doubt, I need an end,
that won't destroy my self-esteem,
You know you're right, or so it seems.

*I desperately search for answers,

they're here and there, True prancers.
A bondage over me? No, not you.
I'll leave, guess its the last thing to do.

All in all I haven't tried,

to find our garden, which we hide.
My place of refuge as a kid,
your place of secrets to get rid.
Found nothing more than dust and bones.
It's not the place I called my own.
You took my haven, now you flee.
Look at what you did to me.

You left me here scared,

hurt, embarrassed, Feathered and tarred.
You made me miserable, laughed at my pain
You dont know who you messed with let me show you my name
you'll regret every wrong doing ever committed,
I'm evil and vicious, you will be convicted.
I'll show no mercy for i have no sympathy
You have no meaning, you'll go down miserably.

You trashed my image, shattered my star.

She's changed in ways you can't repair.
Tell me, have you seen the news?
Have you someone else to use?
Driven to tears, I no longer cry.
You told me before that I have no right.
All that I was and not what I am.
I shouldn't be worried, I cannot forget.
Those deep nights in horror, the nightmares I had,
is all that's remaining of you and my past.

You think you've won dont you?

This game is over and done with, I'm through.

I no longer cry,

So simply in reply,

forget your nightmares,

throw them out the window with all my cares.

Clearly I remember the windows filled with snow.

"If you loved me, why'd you let me go?"
Bury me in honor, 'twas all I ever had.
I didn't want to start out bitter. Didn't mean to make you mad.

I didn't mean to, but if you cared

Why'd you go? In to nohtingness i stared.

I remember a time when you were there,

So vague and faint, but a time we shared.  

And here's where the garden flourished as kids.

Snow flakes upon it, remarkable, it is.
As I watched through the window, I found my lost love.
She walked up the doorsteps and looked up above.
I smiled and waved as she ran passed the door.
I could hear her footsteps rising to my floor.
You no longer exist, you hurt me enough.
I'm ready to die with my one true love.

* = Color key!

*ROSE

*JAZMINE

Through envy, I fear is where the doubt begins.

How could i ever open up to someone who doesnt seem to care?
Theres no red flare, telling me you give two shits so why should i waste my time...
damn me feeling like i have to savor everyones feelings.
Why do i have to care so?
From the start it was amazing
boy at times it still is.
Point out the faults, maybe you cant so let me help.
talk with me baby let me see your thoughts,
Give me that chance of getting to know you..
Your so close with that perfect girl,
and when you talk to her it hurts,
not that you talk to her.
Through envy, I fear is where the doubt begins.
I long to be in her position.
You hold her dear, maybe cuz of the knowledge.
Open your gates for a foreign figure.
It might just help.
Love me baby, love me like you should,
tis all i ask for. Is it to much.
Can understand if your feelings arent strong.
but tell me, open, speak colors unknown to my soul.
Im supposedly your first,
not to put disbelief in your story,
experience is not there yet,
I should lead you the right way,
for ive no experience in your type.
How would you not know
how to handle these, in my eyes,
oh so simple tasks.
tis like training a newborn,
hell, a newborn is all the more easy.
I just dont get you,
but oh do i love you.
not in love but love,
i care, it sucks that you must depart.
you mean alot to me,

i wish i could even hear you say the same

It would be my curse to see through,
such great hellos, have to have such rushed goodbyes.

When you need me.

"I'm trying to help as many as I can, but pardon if i dont get to you sooner, for in time, shortly, I will help you. Its the only thing I'm here on this good earth to do. I mend the sad and often confused and tend to the broken, they need it to. Where ever i am needed that's where i will go. I'll be here for you as long as you need, after all It's what im destined to be."

How easy it is to me.

Silently she moves, a true master in disguise.
Everything she does is pent up, this she knows is unwise.
Boiling be the feelings in her, Nuclear meltdown!
The smiling stops, everything gets to her, she has a frown.
Under the weather, such a simple reply.
Hoodwink them all, truth be, them she can defy.
It is not as hard as most believe,
To smile in the eyes of the ones that "care"; For they're fairly naive.

-Jazmine<3 

This eerking feeling that hurts oh so much.

The tears, they burn, like sulferic acid, oww.
My aching body tred on by many herds.
Headaches, like drills to the head, over and over.
The heart in two, divided it be but every beat, unfortunately,
flows through my body  successfully.


-jazmine<3
_ a while back ago ? 

Baffled be;

Split way of life not know which way is right, baffled be.
When together your picture perfect, but no more, baffled be.
Baffled be the ones with it on there plate,
When your with someone you've just met, a clean slate.
Years later still going strong, closer than ever imagined,
Feelings in the air, all around everywhere but sadden,
Be the baffled, for no move is ever made. 
Forever it seems nothing changes.

Baffled be the ones blessed with a curse, 
One who's so in love with two ; so much love you want to burst.
Frustration kicks in after long; these be the baffled.
Endless possibilities, good and bad like a raffle. 
But baffled be the one that does not speak,
Truth is all one wishes to seek.
Stays there and watches as all the feelings begin to sink,
Not sure of what to do next, baffled be in need of a shrink.
Far to much on the baffled mind to focus;
But maybe ones baffled thoughts are bogus?
With no guide or hint the baffles be restless,
For that answer or first move they so long for to be breathless 

Baffled be the emotionally stricken downward;
Baffled be the mentally confused spinning spiral; 
Baffled be the despondency in the making; 
And the saddened themselves
Baffled be the situational solvers, 
That it seems answer can not be found. 
Baffled be the one dandelion in a brand new field;
Baffled be anyone struggling in any way. 
The baffled be you and many others but especially me. 
-jazmine<3

once again something from the back of a great thinkers head (:

I don't feel like i advanced from the next person

They go about everyday like everything is normal

A flower petal floats through the air, didn't even take notice

I go about everyday like its a puzzle

I'll wonder where that petal came from

and I'll note on how beautiful it looks floating through the sky freely

And I'll question everything

coming up with my own answers

Or a question will come to me, and I will have the task of cracking it and finding my own answer. Everyday is a challenge

Everyday is a adventure waiting to be explored

-Joe Tinker (:

Picture inspired.

Some look at me and see,
All the long lost memories,
I hold more than ones mind can run.
Seen countless things, the moon and sun,
They've passed me by like a nascar on a stadiums checkered strip.
Haunted is the thought you get
When you see my planks bent and chipped
History has been made,
Mysteries have been sleigh-en.
You see those trees like sprout-less seeds,
Standing there freezing, Haven't seen green in centuries,
All the good hearts thats left me oh so lonely,
will someone please occupy me?
-Jazmine <3

trying to keep your mind at bay

pour your emotions out, fire away.
It's the only way to keep your mind at bay.
Keep a free spirt, dont let anything stop you.
I try, but its just so hard, everythings different including I.
Im the one that dreams at night,
sees things beyond others sight,
and may relives them the next morning, maybe just maybe i might.
I feel what others can't comprehend,
you cant hide it from me, you can't pretend.
I have no free spirt Its why i long to be free,
like a bird in a cage hungry someone feed me.
Im just stuck I dont need help or maybe it's via.
MY mind is never at bay, and no one has any idea.
-Jazmine<3

one day you will realize.

It's not working, Its not working!
No respect for my humane being
Taking away what makes me, me
What makes me happy,
The things i give a damn about,
You taking it all away just like that.
You want the best for me
To grow up and have a nice family
Be better than you ever could be
Fly high and succeed
But unlike you its me
Its not about what you want,
Its what i want, sorry to be so blunt.
But maybe you need this
And I'm not trying to diss.
But I'm not like you,
I'm not and wont ever be.
I know what i want you don't,
So for once let me be.
Let me be myself don't hold me back.
All your doing is getting me off track
You don't know who i am, I don't even know.
I guess depression changes your view.
Which should further inform you,
That you know nothing,
That what you do, doesn't help.
you will see, I could care less, and you will realize, I just doesn't work,
It never did, just know your making it worst on a well hidden, depressed, emotional And unstable broken soul.
And when you realize, haha.... It will be too late.

- Jazmine<3

Just keep your head up (:

The birds in the sky,
fly through the blowing wind trying to get by.
Newborns struggle,
old ones giggle,
they laugh at the young ones mistakes.
"What pity" they think "but one day, they'll be more than You and I. They are our future. Your are our future. so live it up now while you have no expectations, no worries and no pressure." Be free :D
-Jazmine♥

Joe is brilliant :D

(joe)I would more cherish it than trying to explain it. We all try to find a meaning in life. There's always something we can't quite explain. I realized this...
There's always going to be something that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, that's why you spend life trying to bite on something sweet. It's always out there, you just have to find it. You have to find the Candyman.

(jazmine) When your in presence with the candyman , do you feel complete bliss? Are you like a children while in the presence of candy as do they? You should be. Feel free to have a piece. Join me in my journey, to find the Candyman, we need to begin our plan, It's almost time to find the candyman :D

I feel it too

If only you people knew,
the things i go through,
well, actually you do,
its the same as you,
I feel it to,
when your upset and blue,
Trust me i'll help you breathe,
let me help you see,
I'll take it all away,
I'll try to play and get you feeling okay.
and You wont feel a thing,
When im finished you will be happy,
and i will be left feeling crappy.
-Jazmine <3

me ? or not.

There once was a young girl who was good, had not a care in the world, made good Grades, first priority was family, and was always happy. Sure enough she fell.
She fell hard,
She fell fast,
She fell without knowing, fell to the unknown,
Peer pressure,
Depression,
More peer pressure.
And she fell for it,
For all the things she promised she wouldn't.
She fell to the pits of darkness,
Confusion,
Mistakes,
Regrets.
She doesn't know how to help it,
No idea how to stop it,
How to climb a wall that seems unclimbable.
She doesn't know, they dont know, hell I dont even know.
But somewhere Deep down she knows, once upon a time, she cared.
-jazmine<3

im trying so hard.

Shear panik, I completely lost my mind
Cringed at the sound, If only this could just rewind.
Your still wrapped around me,
like a blanket on a new born baby.
But eventually the baby will grow,
The baby gets older and stronger,
slowly forgetting it's past
and flourishing,
becoming a new person with no knowledge.
The golden age,
The troubles they played.
It's only now that she is strong enough to upgrade.
-Jazmine <3

Getting there.

I lost the one i gave it to he's no longer with us is a better way to think of it.
but I'm okay ill be just fine, i always am.
ill make it through this i know i can.
I will not, can not, and wont, let this control me.
I don't give a damn if anyone wants me to hurt, because its not happening.
I'm starting to get happy i will be happy, you don't control me, an you never did, and you wont, start now.
-Jazmine <3

hmm ? worried.

Oh, the blood, Oh the blood on the floor.
She's slowly dying,
We thought we could fix it,
A broken heart and misunderstood soulOh, The blood, Oh, the blood on the floor
She's slowly dying.
she's losing herself.
Confused, unsettled, reckless,
Just Can't tame the untamable Oh, the Blood, Oh the blood on the floor,
She's slowly dying,
hours away from her darkest hour,
mind set out to hurt,
Oh the blood on the floor,
who will clean it up? We can't help you now.
Oh, the blood oh the blood on the floor,
she's slowly dying
and there's no where to hide no where to go, no where to run, no one to care,
your losing them, Losing me, losing your self,
with no disrespect, your slowly dying.
-Jazmine <3

Rose and Jazmine poetry off; Break me down by Red

(lyrics)And there is nowhere left to hide, turn and face these empty eyes, all alone, heart untold, trying to find, Break me down. Replace this fear inside,, take this nothingness from me, I want to find,I want to shine, I want to rise, Break me down.

(Rose)For nothingness is never nothing, it's just a word to feel empty with. And the light we try to find will never shine in our direction, only darkness can break me down. Loneliness is all around. And I am so alone. So alone.

(jazmine)Alone I stand, no one around. Not one care in sight, Again i feel nothingness, feeling no other word to use, the only way to describe such a feeling as such. Light doesn't shine, till over the horizon the clouds part and i am full of anguish. I see the light, there is hope. Theres's always hope.

(Rose)Hope will revive my strength. It keeps my mind stable and my heart from imploding. It shows there will be something better. And someone better. The clouds will go away and all I'll see are better days. For not knowing where to turn, this is a pretty good start.

(Jazmine)Blindly i begin my journey, my pursuit for happiness. All focus on what's in store for a corrupted and broken heart. Trying to stay positive, but sometimes failing. I realize to move forward it must end, the thoughts of the past always bothering me bugging me telling me, you messed up, theres is no place of bliss for someone like you, someone who hurt others and had no re-guard for the well being of other's or yourself. I look ahead, up at the beautiful blue sky, realizing what i've done, i begin to change for the better. To save a broken soul, who doesn't want to fix a broken soul.

(Rose)No matter how I try, I cannot break free from this spell. Although there are remedies to treat it, I cannot break free. Everything goes in circles, he's always changing his mind, cursing myself with this spell. Who can I look up to now that I'm cursed? No one can save me now. This has gone on far enough. I will be strong. I will take over. I will let myself be. And I will be myself again.

(Pearl Jam lyrics) There's no need to hide. We're safe tonight.

Time to re-locate.

I'm starting to realize that i have been suffering from depression for a really long time now. I dont know why, well i kind of do but I dont know how to handle it or what to do. I think it also has something to do with where i live. So i think its time for me to go. I need to move there is just to much stuff here, to much memories, and it hurts. So many people here have problems uncontrollable feelings and i have to deal with them because I am the one when your feeling sad I feel it to, You being depressed makes me twice as depressed. I would never blame The way i feel on anyone else. But now is the time. Everyone is out of control, Its like waves of emotions coming at me, and i am the one who shows them and feels them as if they were my own. There not. I may be depressed but it would be so much easier to get over this stuff somewhere else. So I'm going to live with my dad. That's a Risky thing to do but im sure that this will better me. I'm sorry to all the people that I am leaving behind. I'm sorry. I just cant stay here anymore. I'm sorry that when you get upset or your depressed or angry you cant talk to me. I'm sorry that i wont be there to help you get over it faster. But for once in my life i think im going to have to think of myself, I'm tired of hurting. Its time for me to runaway. Think of it like im sick and im absent from school, when i come back i will be better, stronger, better, and wiser than i was before. It's time.
-Jazmine <3

If we all had the chance it would definitely be taken (:

So young and tender
Not knowing, full of wonder,
No doubts,
No hardships
To grow up to live,
Where hate is everywhere.
To have, to have such power to overcome,
But not strong enough to do so.
To deal with pain,
Death,
Confusion, and love.
If only we all could stay in the good days,
Where candy was good and coodies were bad.

If only we ALL.

Risky Business

Like most believe that love is vital for survival, I do agree!
I'm lonely like a stray wondering the streets.
The only chance i have at love is to be wasted
considering im a chicken.
I like him so much, with my mind never off him.
I try so hard-
Yet try not, it seems impossible.
I go out of my way to see him, speak to him.
see his smile that i cant so resist but to smile back.
i think the thing that hurts the most is the thought that he doesnt like me back.
so to hear it; to know it, would be Devastating!
I'm just not willing to risk it.

To Miss Louise Olivia hunter by Edgar Allen Poe

Edgar Allen Poe is my favorite poet. People say he was crazy which i dont doubt, but that is part of what made him brilliant in my eyes. This is one of my favorite poems.



Though i turn, I fly not-
I cannot depart;
I would try, but try not
To release my heart.
And my hopes are dying.
While, on dreams relying,
I am spelled by art.

Thus, the bright snake coiling.
'Neath the forest tree
Wins the bird, beguiling,
To come down and see:
Like that bird the lover
Round his fate will hover
Till the blow is over
And he sinks-
Like me.

One in Particular.

Their idiotic and I don't think they realize what it is they are doing.
But this one? Oh! She knows for she has her ways like me,
straight from that tree,
Same roots yet in hers you find something different.
things you despise.
Nagging, Bitching and hypocritical thinking.
The apple may not fall far from the tree,
But see my trees on a hill,
And i damn sure can roll away.

Long-distance relationships

Long-distance relationships kill. They are the most horrible form of a relationship possible. At least from the forms i have experienced, and i admit not many. But this is my philosophy. They kill, in brutal, violent ways. Killing you from the inside and at first, you dont even realize it because your so happy. Then, it gets farther along and you realize these little every-other-weekend visits aren't cutting it. later, work gets in the way. No more scheduled meetings. The times your suppose to be meeting begins to fluctuate, bringing more anguish and discomfort. You never noticed but you begin to act different slightly. Friends comment always saying "Are you okay? Somethings just different about you." Hell, you completely ignore it. Until, something happens and you realize something really has altered about you. Whether it be your attitude, or just you in general. Your friends, they just know. The light missing from the sun. It's just not there. The weather man mentioned cloudy skies not an eclipse. Now, understand this doesn't happen to everyone. But eventually, the calls stop coming and you try so hard to find out if something is wrong, you start thinking up ridiculous ideals. "He/She's been hurt." Stuff like that. You get antsy. But after a long period of time of happiness then some horrible feeling, you realize you can hurt one another like this. No matter how much you love each other. You try to weigh out you options and theres no better solution but to break up. Lets be happy, not like this. We can find someone else to make us happy. We can still talk, be friends its for the better. Back to my point, long-distance relationships kill emotionally and mentally. Never thought it could hurt me but it did. After a while i remembered my heart began to hurt. The weirdest thing ever, my heart was breaking. A couple of days ago, all that hurt stopped when me and my boyfriend broke up. Of course i cried like most girls, but after a while i got a hold of reality and felt better. You should be happy not sad. After all, there are more people out there and just you him i will be happy, we will be friends and i will find someone else that makes me feel the way i once did with him.

??????????

i want to write a book but i have no ideas. im not sure what on or if ill have the time but im gonna try (:

FRIENDS=LIFE

Good god i love my friends so much they r som crazy mother fuckers as i have written before but thats besides the point! They are some pretty amazing people weither you'd believe me or not i will always think this. they may have some issues and flaws but dont we all. We all have the same passion for music which is good... and we love to meet new people we can all be nice..... when we want... and tear a bitch down when we need to... we TRY to be pacifist but it NEVER works out right! well thats okay i guess we still try. so now imma talk about some of them

Tatiana: This gurl is my life i never thought i would be so close to a girl in 3 years.. through hell and great times.. we have always been friends even when i fucked up she was there so when she fucked up i was there... i use to walk everyday after school to this chicks house... when she cried i felt it and knew something was wrong and i would call her and i'd be right.. she thinks im weird but cuz i can sense these thinks... we have gotten so close that i can finish what she's saying and i know what she thinking... I would go to the end and back wid this chick... and its funny cuz when i first spot her she was quite and shit... and i thought BORING! but then she fussed out a teacher and i was like damn lil salvidorian chic got BALLS!!! and from there on we been friends and im so happy we are. We've been through alot and i know its not gonna end that easily so we keep going everyday planning this shit out! ily Mixed chicken<3

Zack: He is my raging homosexual! i love this kid! He is the person in my life that has helped me the most. Although i dont think he knows how grateful i am for having him around and how worried he makes me when he does stupid shit! But no matter what i will be here for him till the end. This boy has issue just as well as tatiana.. actually i think he fucked me up more than she did lol:) I use to and still am the smart kid who doesnt listen to teachers but reads books.. and still ace's the test that are given.... hell zack use to be like that... AT LEAST I STILL AM!! HA! ily zackie<3

Shaina: you are my sexy bitch! i dont know what to say bout you! u are amazing i love you so much and i just dont know what i would do without you! that shit i pulled along time ago i realize more than ever could have stoped us from being friends... but it didnt and im so happy for that. WOOT WOOT!! you my soccer chick! Beasty goaly and scoring person... you kick ass in karate and dont hesitate and i love you for that you know when things happens i will always be here for you and always have... more than i use to be and im happy for that! ily Shainer<3

Devllin: What can i say? Your my Stalker, Rapist, Ninja, Urban Ninja, and one crazy ass motha fucka thats on crack! i love you more than you know and im glad you will never read this! I wish you didnt disappoint me as much as you have done sometimes but i get over them i guess... i never tell you this.. but besides that you are the best Ninja ever! ily Stalker<3

Makaelah: This is my niggah, she has been wid me even when she didnt wanna listen to my shit my rambbling on about and how everything wasnt going right... we like the same guys you know that could bring problems but it never does. for that i am happy! ily Makala<3

Cailyn: Man, we go back my nigga! From you being my first true friend, to you not being in my class man that shit sucks and i dont know when we can ever hang besides when it comes to sports... you are my Softball buddy and that will never change no matter if we dont talk any more or not! but you one crazy girl... yea i know what you be doing out of school lol :P ily Softball buddy<3

I have alot more friends but these are the once that popped up in my mind first!!! these people are my heart! and im glad i have not lost them!

by and by i know i have a bad "potty mouth" but hey i hear 6 yr. olds who cuz more than me where i live!

self-mutilation

Since I have already talked bout stuff around this subject i would like to talk about self-mutilation. I'm going to try to explain it to people. It's seems like now more and more people mostly teenagers have been taking part in self-mutilation. When you do this it is basically just cutting yourself with anything you want.. some do it as punishment because in their head they think that they have done wrong to people and wont be forgiven.. and that feeling of not being forgiven is why they do it... i know some do it because they can get really stressed... or cant deal with things that go on in there life so they cut... its hard to explain but as they cut the stress, the things that have been hurting you over and over go away.. you don't think about them anymore.. your happy and you feel fine... its like the cut is a portal for all the problems and stress to just leave temporarily... It's a mental problem.. they say the conscious mind is being controlled by a monster who tells them to do it, that there is no other way. so The person begins to believe it. and they cut and cut away. You keep cutting, deeper, and deeper, every time thinking it will help you that much more. Eventually, they end up hurting themselves very badly to the point to they need to go to the hospital and some don't have that privilege to make it that far, they die before they can make it to the hospital. I have friends that cut, a couple actually, and they all do it for these reasons. I have gotten 2 to stop cutting and they have been free from it for a couple of months. The sad thing is its like a drug. They go through like some kind of rehab with me. It's all just so weird. I hate ignorant people that say someone is Emo, and i hate when people say someone who cuts is Emo. First off, there is no such things as Emo, from my point of view at least. Its stupid to stereotype. People just jump to conclusions all the time. You don't know what they are going through, they just dont have any other way to handle something things. The point of this post is to get people to notice that self-mutilation rates are going up especially in teens and to open peoples eyes to why a person may cut. It's not always because they hate there life, contrary to popular belief.

just my thoughts for today: )

How much is there really to do when you have friends that are fucked..
You laugh, play, joke around with them and go through hell with them...
Weither its drugs or cutting... or just plain out stupidity.. to see them overdose on pills to let the pain go away:( i thought i'd be ready i thought i could handle it but as i found out tonight i wasnt.... I cried myself half way to sleep but i still havent fully slept yet and its 4 O'clock. i will never be able to forget what i've seen today.. the effects of pills.. why they can fuck up a person so fast and they not be fully in control of what takes place... I am only 14 and for some reason in my mind i still shouldnt have to witness shit like this.. then again i shouldn't be cussing either but i guess its a life choose..so as I'm on the computer i think about things that have happened in my life and why others could have worst and how worst could it really be?? All the people who committed suicide why did they do it? Yet, no matter what reason i have never found myself saying it was stupid....cuz you just never know there situation... and if you had been that person if you can handle it? when your watching t.v. and a persons on a bridge do you ever think "Thats stupid" if so for once think why they could be doing it. Dont get me wrong i think suicide is a choose of course just will never be my choose. Try to understand the unexplainable, the unthinkable, and the unimaginable and light could be shown over this cold hard world we call "home".

wow

wow so today is my first time using this blogger thing and i dont know how to look at other peoples blog.... 3 hours later i click next blog......... and wat do you know i find out how to look at other peoples.... ugh wow i need help. i dont think people offer the type of help i need. : )